the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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