Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
