Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.