either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.