This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my j├Ąger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?