My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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