I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
