New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.