When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I supernannyed him into submission
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