Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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