i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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