Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
