You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
