Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
