Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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