i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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