i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
