So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
