Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
