I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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