afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
