It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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