I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
