Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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