ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
