I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
