The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
