is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
