i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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