Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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