I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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