I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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