shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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