My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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