my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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