True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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