didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
