a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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