I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
