you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
