he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize