Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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