I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
