Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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