So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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