I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
