good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
