I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
