At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
