I think my fart just growled at me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
