I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
