guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
