What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
