Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she smelled like a LAN party
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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