if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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