i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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