Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
