I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
