Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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