Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
