I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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