i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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