The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
