Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
