This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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