I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
