I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
