3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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